Setting Boundaries With an Adult Daughter

Morning Friends,

I’m in Texas this week with some of my writing and speaking girlfriends. We do this once a year. It’s called Spa Week--although we’re not really at a spa. We’re at a Christian retreat center, in our sweats and sneakers, doing some exercising, walking and eating right, compliments of Carole Lewis and her group, First Place 4 Health. Each January she invites us to be pampered, fed and ministered to so that we are refreshed in mind, body and spirit to minister to others. Thank you Carole and First Place 4 Health!

Question: My adult daughter has moved back home after making a mess out of her life. I think I’ve enabled her to be too dependent on me and now she is acting like an angry teenager instead of a responsible adult. What can I do to help her?

Answer: I hear this so often. Well-meaning parents have crippled their children by not teaching them how to stand on their own two feet. My definition of a good parent is that you work yourself out of your job. In other words, your kids don’t need you in order to function anymore. With that said, you can’t change your daughter. But you can identify and own your problem.

What is that? You have given too much. You’ve been too nice and that may be one reason she is not taking responsibility for her own life. Unfortunately, this kind of unhealthy relationship fosters a love/hate relationship between you and your child. She loves you and is dependent on you and hates you for always being right and having to “need” you.

To change this dynamic, you will need to figure out why you have been overindulgent with your child for so long. Are you afraid to say no? Are you anxious that if she doesn’t need you, she won’t have a relationship with you? Do you pity her and believe she can’t do it without you? This is an important step so that you don’t revert back to rescuing her when things get hard for her.

Second, you need to evaluate what is in her best interest. I know you love your child, but godly love acts in the beloved’s best interests, not just what feels good. I’m sure you didn’t give your child candy for breakfast, lunch and dinner, even if she screamed for it because you know that wasn’t good for her. It is the same principle here. To change things, you will have to say no to her requests for help, not to be mean, but because it is good for her to learn to figure out some things for herself.

Third, you need to let her know how you are changing. I talk about this in section two of my book, The Emotionally Destructive Relationship in detail.

Let me give you a sample speak up dialogue that you may want to share or write to your daughter.

I love you. You are my child and nothing will ever change my love for you. But I realize now that I haven’t always given you what you needed most. I have given you lots of things, probably too much, but I have not given you the confidence that you can manage your life just fine without me. I fear you have grown too dependent on me to solve your problems, to rescue you from your financial woes, and to provide your living space, when at this age, you should be doing these things on your own.

I will take responsibility for my part. I now see that by giving in to you, I didn’t help you grow up. I know you are in a tight spot right now and have moved back home but I want you to know that this is only a temporary solution. I expect you to get a job, work hard and save money toward moving out on your own. You will need to pay room and board while you’re here so that you learn that you have to be responsible for your bills and your life.

I want to have a good relationship with you, and we will not have one if I treat you like a child and you behave as one. I want us to respect and care for each other as adults.

If you haven’t done step 1 and 2 first, it will be hard for you to stick with your resolve. Make a plan as to how you will respond when she cries, complains, criticizes you, or doesn’t pay her room and board. Remember, you can’t make her be responsible or mature at this point in her life. That is her job. However, you can create an atmosphere where it is more likely that she will make those choices.

Are You Living by Faith or by Fear?

Happy New Year Friends,

Are you the kind of person who makes New Years’ Resolutions? I am. I was just going back over last year’s goals and was happy I met some of them, but other’s I totally forgot about it. How about you? What resolutions did you manage to actually keep or change through 2011 and what got pushed back to the backburner of your life?

I’ve found that when we are serious about making change, it helps to have some structure and accountability. For example, if you want to lose weight, structure means that you have a meal plan or specific diet you are following that you know how to do and are taking time to work into your daily routine. Accountability means that you share your goals with someone who can encourage you to reach them. Accountability also may be that you weigh yourself every few days to see if what you are doing is working.

Let’s share with one another the change we want to make this next year and what structure and accountability we are putting in place to reach it.

I am going to read through the Bible this year, so I have downloaded a reading plan that I check off every day. (That’s my structure). My accountability is that I’m telling you all what I am going to do and will have to report to you in 2013 whether or not I reached that goal. Knowing I will have to tell you will help me to actually push to reach my goal.

FYI--I will be a guest on Moody Mid-Day Connection radio program on Tuesday, January 3rd at 12:00 CT talking about depression proofing your life. You can call in with your questions or comments at (877) 548-3675 or (877) LIVE-675 or go to http://www.facebook.com/middayconnection#!/middayconnection

Today’s Question: I read your blog on “Making Christmas Happen for Everyone” (December 5th blog). I have done your suggestions. However, what I experience from my husband when I act in the ways you describe is rage, anger, bitterness and resentment, and it’s not because I didn’t say it right. It’s because he’s not getting his own way, and it’s becoming too much for me to handle (it’s been 25 years).

I believe the next step is to seek a counselor who can help us both communicate better and respect each other, and then allow my husband the gift of consequences if he chooses not to work on these issues. I signed up for a mutual relationship, not a servant/master relationship, and I plan to hold him to his word--lovingly.

I believe, from my experience with my husband, that he will not cooperate with anything and will give me the ultimatum, “Take it or leave it. You have the problem.”

What do you think? Speaking up terrifies me because I don’t know what could happen, and rocking the boat causes a lot of anger, not just in our marriage but in the whole family.

Do you have anything to offer besides trust in the Lord, pray, and don’t be afraid or anxious for nothing. I know these wonderful truths, but even Jesus cried and exuded blood from his pores. Even Moses was scared. Even Abraham doubted when he walked the journey to place Isaac on the altar. All of these emotions are part of being human, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have faith. My family is very dear to me, and I’m afraid that if I put my foot down it will only get worse. Is it wrong to just want peace and rest? I know God won’t give us more than we can handle, but I am so very tired and afraid of the outcome.

Answer: You are right--we are human and we all have real and raw emotions when we live in stressful situations where there is continual conflict, bullying and disrespect.

Your letter indicates you are conflicted about this change you want to make. On the one hand, you say you are very tired of living this way and are ready to make a serious attempt at real change. On the other hand, you are very afraid that the change you desire won’t occur and, by standing up to him, things could get worse.

I was just reading today in the Psalms. It said, “My soul has dwelt too long with one who hates peace. I am for peace; But when I speak, they are for war (Psalm 120:6,7 NKJV). Your situation reminds me of many marriages where one person wants peace, but when she or he finally speaks up, it just causes more drama, more hatred, more conflict.

You’re right. Just because you finally take a stand and say “I didn’t sign up for a slave/master relationship” doesn’t mean that your husband will be willing to move toward a more mutual marriage. As long as he’s the master and you’re willing to be the slave, it works for him. However, perhaps he’s just as frightened of change as you are or just as unhappy.

So you ask if there is anything I can offer besides the standard trust God and don’t be anxious? It’s sad to me that we don’t find the comfort and healing in God’s word that he wants us to, but I understand what you are saying.

Here’s what I want you to know. God designed marriage to be a mutually loving and respectful relationship, not a slave/master one. Because that is God’s will for marriage, know that he is on the side of the oppressed when one person takes power over another and uses words, money, physical force or the scriptures to dominate and control the other.

When you respectfully speak up against injustice and oppression in a marriage (or anywhere else for that matter), know that God is on your side. If the other person refuses to listen, the gift of consequences can be a painful but helpful reminder that he or she will not reap the benefits of a good marriage when they sow discord and selfishness.

Sadly, when we are in close relationship with people (as in marriage and family) and one person receives painful consequences, often the entire family also suffers. That’s what you fear and rightly so.

So I think the next step you need to ask yourself in this whole process is do you want to live in fear--fear of staying or the fear of leaving--or do you want to live in faith (whether you think it wise to leave or stay)? Faith that God knows your story. Faith that God is bigger than your story. Faith that God has a plan for your life, and he is your helper in times of trouble.

It’s interesting to me that the psalmist says both, “I trust in God, so why should I be afraid? What can mere mortals do to me?” (Psalm 56:11), and “When I am afraid, I will trust God” (Psalm 56:3). There are times our faith is so big we don’t feel fear. Other times, we are so filled with fear that we will be overwhelmed by it if we don’t trust God.

I pray you choose faith, even when you feel fear.