Topic: My Husband Won't Talk With Me

Morning Friends,

This Saturday March 9th, I will be speaking all day at Loudonville Community Church in Loudonville, NY. It’s open to the public, and I would love to see you there. If you’re interested, call Kathy Tyrell at 518 426 0751 to register. I’ll also be teaching in their Sunday school the following morning if you chose to stay over. I believe you can also just show up on Saturday.

I am finishing up edits on my new book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope.” Please pray for me. I’ve been working non-stop for several weeks now and I’m pretty exhausted. I need a fresh infusion of God power.

I’d like to remind you that from now on all my blogs will go to one blog site--the one located on my web page. We’re getting some good responses on both sites and it’s a shame not to have a community speaking together all in the same place. Therefore, to read today’s blog, please go to http://www.leslievernick.com/2013/03/04/my-husband-wont-talk-with-me/

While you are there, please sign up to receive the blog weekly so you don’t miss any of our important discussions.

Help! I'm Filled With Anger and Resentment!

Good morning friends,

I just returned from San Antonio where I spoke to the Christian Counselors of Texas.  What a great group! The highlight was I invited my best friend from high school to come and help me with my book table. She lives in Austin, so it was great to get together and reminisce on our lives.

Speaking on the emotionally destructive marriage this weekend and recently being on Focus on the Family elicited a lot of questions in my e-mail. Here is one from a dear woman who is struggling with bitterness and resentment.

Today’s Question:  Twenty-five years of resentment and anger build-up has now manifested into bursts of outrage and anger. I raised 3 children without the help of my husband either physically, spiritually or emotionally. He is a very good man and a deacon in the church, but did nothing to help me with the house or children. I was expected to take care of that. When I would ask for help, he would get mad and pop his recliner up and be angry that I asked. So I didn't. He never changed a diaper, fed a bottle, prayed a prayer, read a book, gave a bath, brushed a tooth, washed a single dish or cloth, or helped with lessons/school. His hobbies and play time never included me or the children, even church activities. Now the years of resentment have built up so terribly that I can't hide it from my kids and now they think "Momma" is the one with problems. They are losing respect and love for me because they don't have any idea what my life has been like for 25 years.

I was the one trying to set rules and pray before meals, but when rules are not enforced by dad, they don't work. I was a stay-at-home Mom. My children have been either home-schooled or attended Christian school. I have done all I can, but I see them slowly drifting from God and toward the world, and that horrifies me. My husband has made it clear to my son (aged 24) that he is not welcome in our house. He is a great boy. He never drank, did drugs or used bad language and he always attended church, but my husband just doesn't like him (he says it’s a personality conflict).

I cry all the time because there is no fix for my despair. It is not me who suffers but it is my children who have suffered spiritually. My situation is so different because my children are the ones affected by it. I love him and he loves me but the damage is already there. And the years are gone where he could have taught them God's love instead of teaching all the church. No one at our church has any idea about this. They think we are a perfect Godly family with Godly children (which they are now) and everything is great. My girls (aged 19 &17) don't even like spending time with me anymore, and when I try to do a Bible study with them, they resent it. The special close relationship that we have always had is fading. I have nothing else to hold on to because this is a no-fix situation. I pray that God will turn my emotions into stone so that I don't have to feel pain anymore.

Answer:  I’m sorry you feel such despair and hopelessness. You say it’s not you who is suffering but your children, but you sound like you’re in a great deal of pain. You also say that your situation is different because your children are the ones affected, but if you scroll down through the weeks in this blog you will see that most women in difficult or destructive marriages feel that their children are being deeply affected. You are not alone, and your situation is not unusual.

All children are affected by the emotional climate in their home and how their parents handle the ups and downs of relational life. Now you indicate that your children are becoming even more affected because of your inability to contain your 25 years of anger and resentment. They don’t want to spend time with you doing Bible study, and I’m wondering if it’s because what you’re trying to teach them through the scriptures is what you’re having a hard time actually living out in your own life?

You sound like a person who wants to live by Biblical principles. You’ve not left your husband in spite of how difficult it is and was with the children growing up. You say you love him and he loves you, but the damage is already there. So why have you stayed, especially when you’ve stayed with a heart that’s so full of such toxic emotions? If you have stayed because you believe that God calls you to stay, then don’t you believe God also calls you to forgive, live in peace and let go of these negative emotions too?  If you’ve stayed for other reasons such as you can’t afford to leave, you’re afraid to live on your own or some other reason, then perhaps it’s time to look at your own role in enabling the destructive dance to continue.

It may come as a shock to you, but your husband is not 100% responsible for the state your marriage is in right now. He may be indifferent or lazy or uncaring in not responding to your needs for help, but what you did with that added to the destructive dance the two of you are now in. Instead of setting some boundaries, speaking up or standing up for yourself, you sucked it up and did it all yourself, but at what cost? The resentment and bitterness you’ve held is now poisoning your spirit and your relationship with your children. Is that what you want?

You say your husband has declared that your oldest son is not welcome in your home because of a personality difference. Why haven’t you put your foot down and said, “I’m sorry but that doesn’t work for me. It’s my home too, and I love our son and want him to feel welcome here. If you don’t want to be here when he’s here, that is your choice, but I’m not going to tell him he can’t come.” Instead you seethe with anger at your husband’s power over you. He only has that power because you allow it. 

Headship doesn’t mean that he gets his way all of the time. Submission doesn’t mean you have to do everything he wants all the time. That more aptly describes the relationship between inmates and prison guards or victims in concentration camps. 

I strongly encourage you to get the help you need to learn to respectfully put your foot down as well as to let go of these toxic emotions. You don’t want them to further damage your health and your relationships with your grown children. Whether or not your marriage ever improves is not solely up to you, but surely you don’t want what’s going on with you to poison your relationship with your children. 

I know it’s tough to let negative feelings go. They feel so justified and, in some ways, we use them to empower us. I too struggled with resentment and anger toward my mother, but the person it hurt the most was me. God says “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” (Ephesians 4:26-27)

Trust me, you can get strong in other ways besides having to stay angry all the time. 

My Husband's a Slob. What Can I Do?

This week’s question:  My husband’s a slob! He drops his clothes on the floor and he never picks up after himself or helps around the house. I’m exhausted and I’m tired of asking for help.

It can be frustrating to live with someone who has different habits than we do. But before we get into what you might do, I want you to ask yourself two crucial questions. First, is your husband usually caring and respectful of your feelings and needs? Second, is there a reason why he’s not helping you around the house? For example, he might be exhausted from his job, or busy helping you with the kids, or could it be he’s tried helping you in the past and you’ve not been satisfied with the way he helped so he gave up?

If you answered yes to either of those two questions, then you have a couple of options. One is to lower your house cleaning standards so you’re not so exhausted. All spouses have weaknesses and one of your husband’s is messy habits. God tells us that we need to learn to put up with one another and to accept each other, encouraging the good we see (Romans 15:7; Ephesians 4:2-3). Try focusing more on your husband’s strengths instead of dwelling on what he doesn’t do well.

Another biblical approach would be to implement the law of sowing and reaping (Galatians 6:7). Calmly say something like this, “Honey, I know you hate my nagging. I hate it too. So from now on, I’m not going to nag you about your clothes but I’m also resigning as your personal maid. Starting tomorrow, if your clothes don’t make it into the hamper, they won’t get washed.” Stay kind but firm. Soon he will realize he has no clean clothes to wear and will begin to put his clothes into the hamper. Hopefully as he learns this new step in taking care of his clothes, he will also start to pick up his other items around the house.

On the other hand, if your answer to those earlier questions is no, you have a much bigger problem than a messy husband or house. Your marriage lacks mutual caring and mutual respect, core elements in any good relationship. If you want to change this pattern, you must start with yourself. Are there any past hurts that have caused this breakdown? If so, own your part and ask for forgiveness. However if your husband’s basic attitude toward you is often selfish and disrespectful, you may need additional support.

I encourage you to take my free test, “Are You in a Destructive Relationship?” which is available at my website: www.LeslieVernick.com on my free resource page. You will also find resources to help you deal with a destructive relationship and initiate difficult discussions. God wants your marriage to change. Allow Him to use you, and others if necessary, to help your husband make these important changes.

Chocolate Mocha Whipped Cream Cake

Good morning friends,

This weekend I made my husband a Chocolate Mocha whipped cream cake for his birthday.  I almost didn’t get it done because I could not find my recipe. I’ve made this same cake for 38 years now and the recipe is tattered and ripped in half. Luckily I found it, made the cake and, as usual, it was a big hit. My Facebook friends all wanted to know the recipe so I’m sharing it with you too. It’s listed below. It’s work, but if you like a dense cake with whipped cream frosting, it’s so worth it. Maybe your family would like it for Valentine’s Day.

Howard’s Birthday Cake

½ C unsweetened cocoa (I used Hershey’s in the can)

¾ C boiling water

½ C butter at room temperature

1 C sugar

½ c sour cream

½ tsp baking soda

½ tsp vanilla

Few grains of salt

2 C Cake flour (this is special flour, not regular)

2 oz (2 squares) of semisweet chocolate grated. (I usually get a bag of mini chocolate chips instead of grating)

Whites of 3 large eggs beaten stiff

Dissolve cocoa in boiling water and cool.  Grease 2 8 or 9” round layer cake pans.  Heat oven to 350.  In large bowl beat butter until creamy.  Add sugar 1/3 cup at a time beating after each addition.  At low speed add cocoa mixture, sour cream, baking soda, vanilla and salt.  Sift flour over mixture and beat 2 minutes.  Fold in grated chocolate and beaten egg whites.  Scrape batter into pans and bake for 15-20 minutes or until tester inserted in middle of pan comes out clean.

Remove and place pans on wire racks to cool completely.  Run a knife around edge and turn out cakes. Sandwich layers with about 1/3 of mocha cream.  Frost top and sides with remainder.

Mocha Whipped Cream   (We like a lot of this so I usually double the recipe and use it to frost the cake thick)

1 C heavy cream

½ C conf. sugar

2 T unsweetened cocoa (Hershey’s again)

1 t. instant coffee

Mix all ingredients in medium bowl and chill 1 hour or longer (I usually do it overnight).  Beat with rotary beater or electric mixer until stiff. Store in refrigerator.

I’d love it if you’d share your favorite recipe with our blog community. We share so many difficult things together, it would be nice for a change to share something yummy. 

Remember, beginning March 1, all my blogs will be located only on my blog site on my webpage. Don’t forget to make the switch!

Topic: Help, my husband has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome. Is there hope?

Good morning friends,

I want you to know that this exact blog is also posted each week to my new website, www.leslievernick.com under the blog tab. Please sign up for the blog there because beginning March 1st; the blog will be discontinued at this site. We’ve been posting at both sites for quite some time, but to save time and gather all people’s responses in one place and have a more cohesive community, we’d like to put these two blogs together.

Don’t forget to tune in Wednesday, February 6th, and Thursday, February 7th,  for a re-airing of my interview with Focus on the Family in their broadcast of “Finding Freedom from Destructive Relationships” (Part one: http://ow.ly/hiGvg and Part two: http://ow.ly/hiDAu).

I need prayer. Lots of it. In the next month, I have more on my plate than I can do well. Please pray that God gives me the strength to do what I’m supposed to do and let go of the rest. Pray that I have creative energy to write and edit what is due. I’m really feeling the pressure of all of it lately. 

A few weeks ago, I received flurry of responses to the reader’s question on whether there is hope for a Narcissistic spouse to change. After that, one of our readers asked a similar question for her husband who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome.

Today Question:  My husband and I have been married 10 years with 2 small children. We’ve never had a good marriage, and it’s only getting worse in spite of years of marriage counseling. Recently, our counselor suggested he be tested for Asperger’s Syndrome, and it turns out that he has it. I am feeling rather hopeless with all I read. I doubt that we will ever be able to have a normal marriage. Do I stay and keep trying or do I leave before my children are negatively affected?

Answer:  First, before I answer your question, let me define or better describe Asperger’s Syndrome for those reading who may not know what it is. Asperger’s syndrome is a developmental disorder along the autism spectrum in which an individual may be very high functioning and intelligent, but lacks in social awareness and processing. The brain of a person with Asperger’s works differently than someone without it, especially how it processes language and social cues. He or she processes language literally, so he often misses or misinterprets what someone is saying. His focus is in the details of something, and he has trouble connecting the dots to gain the big picture.

Individuals with Asperger’s lack social awareness and aren’t able to pick up on people’s non- verbal cues or intentions. For example, most non-Asperger or neuro-typical individuals (NT as they are referred to) would clue in when someone they were talking to was bored or disinterested. A person with Asperger’s would not. Asperger’s individuals have a difficult time perceiving people’s intentions, needs, feelings or motivations and therefore often respond inappropriately in social situations. They like routine, and have trouble managing their own emotions appropriately; especially when something unexpected happens or they are under stress. Describing or labeling their feelings can become a challenge for them.

Because a person with Asperger’s syndrome has a hard time being aware of other people’s needs or feelings, he can be seen as selfish and uncaring. He often has problems managing anger and can appear rude, insensitive, and indifferent although he is usually shocked when someone accuses him of this because from his point of view he does care. He just can’t see where he is lacking. He is neurologically unable to see things from another person’s point of view.  His brain speaks a different language than a NT (Neuro-typical) person’s brain does. 

Being married to someone with Asperger’s syndrome presents challenges and opportunities. So does being married to someone with cancer, muscular sclerosis, blindness, bi-polar or a host of other difficulties. Therefore, it’s important for us to remember that all successful marriages take hard work. No individual, no matter how talented, intelligent or spiritual, has all 52 cards in their deck. Therefore, all marriages require that we learn some fundamental lessons about acceptance, forbearance, tolerance, forgiveness, love, sacrifice and speaking the truth in love where necessary. Otherwise, Asperger’s or not, the marriage will not thrive.

For you, the diagnosis of Asperger’s Syndrome must come as a relief after so many years with no progress in your counseling together. You and your husband have had 10 years of misinterpreting each other’s behaviors and motives. Perhaps you’ve seen him as selfish and uncaring. He’s seen you as critical and invasive. Those perceptions are tough to undue once they’re locked into place. Now you have a different paradigm in which to understand each other, but the difficulties of communicating clearly remain.

Your biggest challenge as to whether or not you and your husband can make your marriage work will not be the Asperger’s diagnosis itself, but what your husband does with it. Will he use it as an excuse to continue to hurt you and your marriage? Will he go into denial, refusing to admit that there is anything different about his thinking processes or his social responses? Or, will he be willing to learn all he can about how this syndrome has resulted in differences and deficiencies and is he willing to work with professionals who have expertise in helping individuals and couples with this problem so that the two of you can develop a healthier, happier relationship?

You too have some work to do if you want to move forward in a positive way from this point. Many people who discover that their spouse has Asperger’s Syndrome feel gypped and deprived of a full functioning partner. They will have to grieve some losses and let go of their desire for the deep emotional connection they longed for. However, some people with non-Asperger’s spouses also feel that loss or never have that connection either.   

Your husband will continue to struggle to “get” you, and you will probably feel that you’re working harder than he is to make the marriage work. Again, I’m quite sure that women who are married to men who do not have Asperger’s feel the same way at times. In any marriage, but especially one with special problems, your anchor must always be in God, not your husband, not your marriage or your own happiness. If you can trust God through this, then you will grow and thrive through this season, even if your marriage doesn’t.

Recently a new book came out written by a husband who was diagnosed with Asperger’s and wanted to do all he could do to win his wife back. It’s called, The Journal of Best Practices by David Finch. Another resource for you is A Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome by Tony Attwood. 

For those who might be wondering if they or their spouse might have Asperger’s syndrome, there is a free test for it atwww.aspergerstestsite.com.

Friends, those of you living with an Asperger’s spouse, what do you do to cope? What resources have you found helpful? What encouragement can you give this woman?

I'm in California!

Good morning friends,

Today I’m just going to share with you some pictures of my wonderful granddaughters.  It is so much fun to just be Nana for a while!  There's nothing else to do but play tea party, shop for new shoes for little feet and enjoy their giggles and hugs.

I’ll be back next week answering a woman’s question about her anger with her children. 

Is There Hope for a Narcissistic Spouse?

Morning friends,

I really am enjoying the encouraging comments and sense of community we’re developing. Having a safe community where women can share their stories as well as resources is essential but even more so when you are in a destructive marriage. 

I just finished taping, with Michele Borquez Thornton, a DVD series for divorced women who need to heal and want to grow and build healthy relationships. I’m excited about the panel of experts she’s drawn together and, as soon as it’s released, I will let you all know. Friday I head to California for a visit with my precious granddaughters. 

Today’s Question:   My husband has been emotionally and verbally abusive from the start. We have been married almost 7 years and have a beautiful 2 year old son. I have been trying everything within my power (counseling, using tactics to stop abuse when it's happening, anti-depressants) to "fix" my destructive marriage. In March of last year, I finally told him exactly what I thought our problem was:  that he was abusive. At that time, he received that surprisingly well. Obviously God had gone before me and prepared his heart for that.

However, 6 months later I wasn't really seeing changes and I was noticing he was giving himself a lot of slack with going to his therapy appointments, etc. So I took things up a notch. I wrote him a letter asking him to examine those behaviors and attitudes and left with our son for the weekend for him to process that in peace. What I had hoped for upon my return was a sincere apology and a renewed sense of wanting to do the right thing for our family. What I got was anger thrown at me.

A week later, I asked him to move out for a separation. I was absolutely at my wit's end. I was still hoping that he could be rattled, that the Lord was trying to get through to him through these steps I was taking.

It's been a little over 3 months now and I am still not really seeing the key changes I would like to see, such as a sincerely apologetic heart, ownership over the harm he has done and even a willingness to let me be mad. There's a lot more to our story than I can inundate you with here, but I feel that our marriage cannot be saved. I feel like divorce is imminent.

One of the therapists we have seen believes he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I don't want to just "give up" on my marriage. It feels like I am a failure. I know I have done wrong as well. I know that this isn't ALL his fault, but at a certain point it does feel like the problems of abuse and self-centeredness need to be broken before any of the other issues can be addressed. I'm at a loss. I know you can't tell me whether or not you think I should divorce from reading these few paragraphs, but I am wondering if you can speak more to the NPD factor and how long you think it takes for safety to return (referring to your series on “Can This Marriage Be Saved”). I just don't feel safe, but I don't want to deny an opportunity for safety to grow.

Answer:   Let me begin by saying I applaud your courage for trying to do things that will change the destructive dynamics of your marriage. Safety is essential for any relationship to be healthy. If you aren’t safe to be yourself, to share your thoughts and feelings in a constructive way, or to disagree without fear of punishment or retaliation, then you can’t fix what’s wrong because it’s not even safe to talk about it.

You mention that you have done wrong too. There are no perfect spouses. All marriages have things that are wrong with them, but when the marriage is relatively healthy, the husband and wife will look at their part, apologize, make amends and work toward corrections.

Let me ask you this, are any of those “wrongs” that you say you are guilty of safety issues? For example, have you not respected a time-out when your husband is getting heated and wants to end the conversation for a period of time? Or perhaps you’ve shamed and criticized him when he’s expressed his opinion or tried to disagree? If so, you can take responsibility for those things and work to change. Since you have a two year old child, the two of you must communicate around finances, issues regarding your son and visitation, and if you haven’t practiced safety in those interactions, then you can start there. Safety involves respecting boundaries, stopping destructive interactions when the other person says stop and taking responsibility for your own actions when you’ve crossed the line and scared or hurt the other person. (For those who want to read more from my 3 part article “Can This Marriage Be Saved,” go to www.christiancounseling.com and click on Leslie’s blog).

But your question is directed to help about the diagnosis of NPD and whether or not that is a “curable” problem. There are many people with NPD who are highly talented, successful people who often have a fan base of admirers and people willing to give themselves to him or her because of the afterglow it affords by being associated with such a successful person. The narcissist’s entitlement mindset seems more excusable or justified because of his or her success.

However, when a person is NPD and is rather ordinary, he or she still feels entitled and becomes disgruntled when people aren’t treating them as special as they feel they deserve. From a purely secular point of view, NPD is one of the hardest disorders to treat primarily because the narcissist never sees himself as “the problem”. Therefore they rarely present themselves for treatment. They may go to marriage counseling, but it is always their spouse’s lack of love, lack of support or lack of care that becomes the issue. They often portray themselves as the victims of emotional abuse.

If or when the therapist tries to get the narcissistic person to reflect honestly on himself or his or her behavior, there is usually great resistance, excuse making, blame shifting, or termination of treatment. If you don’t think you have a problem, if you won’t listen to someone who gives you feedback and if you refuse to look within, there is not a high probability that you will change. 

A narcissist doesn’t know how to love another person as a separate person. For a narcissist, another person’s sole purpose is to be an object who will love and admire them. In other words, you become nourishment to meet their NEEDS. When you cease nourishing them, they will discard you and move on to new food (another person).   

When they say that they love you, what they mean is I love how you love me. When you love them well, then you are wonderful, the best thing that ever happened to them. When you fail to love them well (as you always will), then you have a price to pay. A person with NPD finds it impossible to put themselves in someone else’s shoes (empathy) and has little compassion for anyone other than themselves. A narcissist gets into a relationship to be adored, admired, and loved, not to love or to sacrifice themselves for someone else.

That said, there are times when someone is in so much pain they are willing to hear and look and reevaluate who they are and how they’ve seen themselves and others. In these cases, the road to transformation is long and slow but change can happen. God is in the business of changing hearts and transforming lives. Yet the paradox that is hard for us to live with when we’re married to someone with NPD is that God doesn’t change us without our permission. 

For you, if you choose to stay with him, understand that you will always give more than you receive. He will be unhappy with you when you are unable to meet his demands and expectations and will often be rude, sarcastic, judgmental and abusive telling you so. Develop a good support system outside your marriage. Find other things to do that give your life meaning and fulfillment. Don’t pine for a husband who will cherish you for you. That doesn’t mean that people with NPD can’t be fun loving and kind when they want to be, but there is always something in it for them. 

A while back, one of our readers of this blog recommended a website www.narcissismcured.com which was started by a woman who is married to a narcissist. She is not a therapist, but she claims she worked to figure out how to change herself and in doing so, her husband began to change as well. I can’t validate their story (they live in Australia), but I’ve read some of her material and think she offers some helpful perspectives and strategies for you to keep sane in the midst of staying married to a man who has a deeply entrenched problem.

If you Google narcissism, you will also find other helpful material on the web as well as support groups for people who live with or are related to a narcissistic person. One of the things I always tell people is that truthful information can be very helpful in making wise decisions. Before you end your marriage, make sure you have done all you can to stay safely as well as sanely. 

Friends, share with this woman what strategies you’ve used to stay safe and sane with a selfish person.

Help! I'm Turning Into an Abuser Just Like My Abuser!

Good Monday Morning Friends,

I just returned from my annual girlfriend retreat. These wonderful women are such encouragers and truth tellers in my life. Do you have some real friends that you trust? People who know you well and you can be totally real with? God tells us that we need community and we need one another. The writer of Ecclesiastes says, “Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help, but someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm, but how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12).

For those of you in difficult and destructive marriages, you are very vulnerable to being negatively impacted by your abusive husband. Please don’t isolate yourself. His words are much more potent when you don’t have other people who tell you differently about yourself. His cruelty, lack of respect and compassion not only beat you down, but can infect you with its poison so that you start becoming like the very things you hate. This week’s blog will help you protect yourself.

This week’s question:   My eyes are starting to be open to the fact that I am in an emotionally abusive marriage. I’m not sure what I’m going to do about that just yet, but I’ve also seen myself acting abusively. I’m harsh with my children and I’m retaliating against my husband, mostly in subtle ways, but it scares me. I’m so angry and resentful I don’t even know who I am anymore. What can I do to heal my own heart before I ever figure out what I’m supposed to do about my marriage?

Answer:   You are so wise to recognize that living with an abusive person has very negative effects on you. The Bible tells us when we are around angry people we can become just like them (Proverbs 22:24-25).

A person can’t help but feel angry and hurt when they are mistreated, but those emotions can quickly harden into bitterness and resentment if we’re not vigilant. It’s crucial that if you’re in a destructive marriage you not lose your empathy and compassion as a person.

The capacity for empathy and compassion are hardwired by God into the human heart and brain. They’re essential for all relationships to be maintained and healed. Jesus tells us that we are to treat people as we would want to be treated, not as they deserve (Luke 6:21). Perhaps one of the reasons your husband behaves the way he does with no remorse or change is he has lost his ability to feel your pain or is incapable of genuine empathy and compassion for others.

If that’s the case, do you want to be like that? When we’ve lost our empathy and compassion for others, or never had it, we are diminished as human beings and our darker selfish side will always rule us. When that happens, it’s impossible to maintain loving connection with others. Also, when we behave as our worst selves toward those we are supposed to love, we do not and cannot feel good about ourselves.

Empathy and compassion are probably the last things you feel or want to feel toward your husband right now, but aren’t those the core emotions you wished your spouse felt toward you? Don’t you wish your husband felt, even for a minute, what it was like to be in your shoes when he screams at you, ignores you for weeks, berates you, sexually uses or abuses you, lies to you, terrifies you, cheats on you, rages at you, humiliates you, slaps you, and turns your own children against you? If he could feel compassion for you in your exhaustion, your discouragement, your confusion, your hurt, your sadness, your fear and your hopelessness, maybe it might cause him to stop and think about what he’s doing and want to change. 

One of the things that kills empathy and compassion for someone we once felt love towards is the build-up of negative emotions, especially resentment. Jesus knows that when we’re struggling with the effects of a person’s sin against us, we will feel angry, scared and hurt. That is human and normal. But when the person who has hurt us is not sorry or continues to hurt us again and again, our negative emotions grow and resentment builds, putting a choke hold on all our positive feelings. I believe that is one reason why the bible commands us to forgive when someone hurts us and why Jesus tells us to love our enemy by doing him or her good. It’s not only for their benefit, but for ours so that we don’t fill up with resentment and become toxic. 

Doing good towards your enemy may not make any difference to him, but it will make a huge difference in you. Hear me. It’s not what your husband does to you that will wield the fatal blow to your personhood, but rather what you do with what he does to you. Do you allow it to destroy you? Do you allow it to embitter you? Do you allow its poison to suck all the goodness and love from your soul so that all that’s left is a shriveled up heart that snarls and shames and scoots to safety in order to not get hurt again?

It sounds crazy and opposite to what we would humanly think of as a smart thing to do, but ask God to give you his heart of compassion for your spouse. Empathy for someone does not mean enabling him or trusting him or allowing him to hurt you. It means you recognize he’s a sinner just like you. You feel sad for the man he has become instead of mad that he is such a lousy husband. It means you will not treat him as he deserves but you will treat him as a human being who is created in God’s image. That does not mean you never communicate some hard truth or set boundaries with him, but learn to do it without contempt, shame or disrespect. Doing so will give you a much better chance at being heard. 

You can choose to grow in Christ-like character through your difficult circumstances or you can succumb to the lies of your real enemy, Satan. The bible warns us, “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour” (1 Peter 5:8). The devil may already be chomping away at your husband’s heart, but don’t let him get yours too. Maintaining your empathy and compassion not only protects you from staying a victim, it protects you from becoming an abuser.

Marital adversity not only reveals character, it shapes it. You have a choice about how that shaping is taking place right now. When you know and believe that you are a loved, valuable, worthwhile human being and live from that core place, toxic people lose their power to manipulate you. They can’t control and intimidate you as they once did when you felt worthless, dependent and needy. If you don’t strengthen your connection with God, you will always live from your circumstances and your emotions. On the other hand, when you live from who God says you are, your abusive/destructive husband might permanently damage your marriage but he cannot destroy you.

Friends, those of you living in toxic relationships, share how you keep from losing your empathy and compassion even toward your enemy.

Doesn’t Love Cover a Multitude of Sins?

Good morning friends,

Today I’m in sunny (hopefully) Texas at a getaway with some girlfriends who I meet with once a year to learn from, cry with, be accountable to and have fun with. We’ve been doing this for four or five years now and I always look forward to this time of reflection, redirection and sometimes even rebuke. 

Let me ask you a question. What do you think people would say if you invited them to tell you something about yourself that’s obvious to them but you don’t see? Scary isn’t it? Yet we all have blind spots and we all need those in our lives courageous and loving enough who will tell us the truth, not just what we want to hear. Hebrews 3:13 says, “Let us encourage one another day after day unless any one of us become hardened by the deceitfulness of sin.” But don’t forget, telling someone the truth without love can sound harsh, and we usually aren’t very receptive to it. It’s easier to take it in when we know that the one who tells us has our very best interests at heart. 

Today’s question addresses that issue in marriage. 

Question:  I’m pretty sure our marriage is emotionally destructive based on all I’ve read and everything you said, but I know that I am as much a sinner as much husband is. I am no more deserving of grace than he is. We are all utterly sinful and only by God’s sheer undeserving grace are we loved and saved and brought into God’s family. The bible teaches us that “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8) and “It is good for us to overlook an offense” (Proverbs 19:11).

As I think about that powerful gospel truth…I wonder…is it right of me to hold my husband’s sin/blindness to his own sin against him? Shouldn’t I just keep quiet and minister to him, and pray that he will see God’s love in me?

Answer:  Some of you might be struggling with this same question. Who are we to judge our husband or ask him to change when we have plenty of our own sins? Jesus makes it clear. It is not our right or responsibility to judge or condemn anyone (Matthew 7:1,2). 

God instructs believers to forbear with and forgive one another. We know we all fail one another (James 3:2), and we’ve already seen that we should take the log out of our own eye before attempting to deal with the speck in someone else’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5). To bring up each and every offense in any relationship would become tiresome indeed. 

Love does cover a multitude of sins, but not all sins. The scriptures tell us to warn those who are lazy (1 Thessalonians 5:14). We are not to participate in unfruitful deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11). We’re instructed to bring a brother back who has wandered from the truth (James 5:19), as well as restore someone who is caught in a trespass (Galatians 6:1). When someone offends us, we’re to go talk with them so that our relationship can be repaired (Matthew 18:15-17).

Yes, we ought to forgive and forbear, overlooking minor offenses hoping others will do the same for us. And, we are to speak up when someone’s sin is hurting them, hurting others, or hurting us. It’s not either or, but both.

Serious and repetitive sin is lethal to any relationship. We would not be loving our husband or doing him good if we kept quiet and colluded with his self-deception or enabled his sin to flourish without any attempt to speak truth into his life (Ephesians 4:15). Yes, we are called to be imitators of Christ and live a life of love; however, let’s be careful that we do not put a heavy burden on ourselves (or allow someone else to put it on us) to do something that God himself does not do. God is gracious to the saint and unrepentant sinner alike, but he does not have close relationship with both. He says our sins separate us from him (Isaiah 59:2; Jeremiah 5:25).

When someone repeatedly and seriously sins against us and is not willing to look at what he’s done and is not willing to change, it is not possible to have a warm or close relationship. We’ve misunderstood (or been taught) unconditional love requires unconditional relationship. There is an important distinction. God does not have intimate fellowship with the person who will not see, take responsibility for, or ask forgiveness for his or her sin. Jesus’ conversations with the Pharisee’s are examples of him challenging their self-deception and pride so they would repent and experience true fellowship with him (Matthew 23). He loved them, but they did not enjoy a loving or safe relationship. Jesus never pretended otherwise. 

A marriage that has no boundaries or conditions is not psychologically healthy nor is it spiritually sound. It enables someone to continue to believe that the rules of life don’t apply to them, and if they do something hurtful or sinful, they shouldn’t have to suffer the relational fallout. That thinking is not biblical, healthy, or true. For the good of our spouse, our marriage, ourselves and our children, there are times we must make some tough choices. We must speak up, set boundaries and implement consequences when our husband’s behavior is destroying what God holds so precious—people, marriage, and family. Scripture warns, “He who conceals his sins does not prosper” (Proverbs 28:18). 

Yes, your husband desperately needs to see God’s love, but he also desperately needs to see himself more truthfully so that he can wake up and ask God to help him make necessary changes. Staying mindful that you too are a sinner is important because it keeps you on level playing ground with your spouse. You are not better and God doesn’t love you more than he loves your husband. You are both broken and in desperate need of God’s healing grace. The problem is that he’s been unwilling to see his part of the destruction. He’s been unwilling to confess or take responsibility or get the help he needs to change his destructive ways. Instead he’s minimized, denied, lied, excused, rationalized or blamed others (mostly you).

Confronting someone and/or implementing tough consequences should never be done to scold, shame, condemn or punish. We have one purpose—to jolt someone awake. We hope that by doing so, they will come to their senses, turn to God and stop their destructive behaviors. 

What to do when his depression is hurting you.

Happy New Year’s Eve! What resolutions are you making this year? Do you typically keep them? I dread heading to the gym on Tuesday because it will be crowded with all of us who made 2013 the year to lose weight. Research shows however, that most people fail to keep their New Year’s resolutions often as early as by January 15th. Hopefully it won’t be me. I need the exercise. My body always feels so much better when I take care of it. If you’ve made and kept your New Year’s Resolutions in the past, I’d be interested in what you did to be successful – and I’m sure our blog community would be interested too. Share with us your tips for staying on track, keeping yourself accountable and achieving success. Today’s Question:  My husband and I have been married for 27 years. I have been reading your books and articles and they have been a blessing to me. Without going into great detail, my husband suffers from major depression. He controls the finances, disregards my feelings and desires, lies constantly and can be emotionally and verbally abusive. There is--or was--a kind and honorable man in there, but I don't see him much anymore, and living with the " other guy" is wearing me down to nothing.  After facing financial ruin 5 years ago and managing to get out of debt by the grace of God and start over, he went behind my back to fund his "projects" and we are right back where we started. I have been an enabler who vacillates between keeping the peace and occasionally breaking down and yelling/ crying, but I am trying to change. I just need to know...can I hold a depressed person accountable for these actions? His view of reality is skewed and I’ve tried so hard to be kind and supportive but I am so drained. I am afraid if he is forced to confront his behaviors he will be suicidal, but the stress of living this way is too much. Also, how do I set boundaries on the spending? We have agreed on budgets, etc., but he ignores them. He promised me he would not put us in debt again, but he broke that promise in a big way, some of it behind my back, some of it while I begged him not to. What can I do to protect me and my son? He is not speaking to me today because I confronted him about some lies I just discovered regarding finances. I am scared of what he will do if I try to take this away from him, and don't know that I can anyway. Answer:  You are struggling with several issues at once so I think it might be helpful to separate them a bit for greater clarity. The first is your husband’s depression. How long has he been depressed and is he getting any treatment for it? Does he have a doctor or counselor that he’s working with? If not why not? Depression is a treatable problem. Does he have any family history of bi-polar depression? His spending issues may indicate some mania. If so, be sure to mention this to his treatment provider. Male depression typically manifests differently than female depression. A depressed woman tends to internalize her pain and blames herself. A depressed male usually externalizes his pain and blames others and circumstances. His externalized pain results in lashing out toward loved ones, sometimes leading to abusive incidents (either verbal and/or physical).  Although depression does rob an individual of his or her ability to think clearly, it does not rob them of all sense of reality or truth, nor does being depressed give him an excuse to sin or act in ways that injure those he says he loves, whether financially, relationally, physically or emotionally.  Sometimes it’s our compassion, sometimes it’s our fears, but It sounds like you’ve been giving your husband a get out jail free card when he sins against you or your family because you’re trying to be sensitive to his depression. The problem I see is that it’s not helping. Shielding your husband from the reality and consequences of his behavior is not helping him get better. It’s not helping him stop his abusive/deceitful behaviors, and it’s taking you to the edge of your own cliff where you are feeling like you can’t take much more. Therefore, let me suggest a different approach and it starts with asking God for wisdom because it’s scary to set boundaries and implement consequences when you’re not sure of what will happen next.  First, I want you to accept the very painful reality that the only person you can take full responsibility for is you (unless you have an infant in the home). Therefore, you need to get your own help to handle yourself in this situation. You acknowledged you are an enabler. Until you address why you keep enabling behavior that becomes destructive to you, to him and to your future, you will probably keep repeating it or will be too afraid to change it. One thing you mentioned is your fear of him committing suicide. Yet you also indicated in your question that you just recently confronted his lying about finances and he didn’t threaten suicide, he just stopped speaking to you. Suicide is a real possibility with someone who is not only depressed, but has lost hope. But threatening suicide can also be used to manipulate others into doing what they want. I hear you loud and clear that you are nearly at the end of your rope. Living with a depressed person definitely takes its toll on the rest of the family. That’s why it’s so crucial that you get your own support and help right now, not only to stop enabling his behaviors, but to stay healthy and strong yourself.  I’m going to give you a few things to think about – hopefully you will have the courage and strength to implement them. They will be crucial to your long term sanity as well as safety. Tell someone what’s going on. Secrets are lethal and you need some support. You can share what’s happening without throwing your husband under the bus. Be wise who you share this with, but you need someone who can pray for you and perhaps be an advocate with you in talking with your husband. That might be another family member such as an adult child or one of his siblings, a good friend, or your pastor.  You must also start to exercise some stewardship over your life. You do not have power over your husband’s life although you do have considerable influence. Therefore, I want you to tell your husband that his depression is now affecting you and your marriage. You can say it lovingly like, “I need for you to get help now. You may be able to live with your depression but I can’t. You’re not behaving like the man you once were.” You said in your question that somewhere inside of him there is a kind and honorable man but his negative emotions rule him and cloud his thinking and judgment. That can happen to all of us and sometimes it’s helpful when we have a grace-filled truth teller come along side of us to remind us who we are. Read the story in the Bible where Abigail had a heart-to-heart conversation with David after her husband refused to feed David and his men. David was humiliated and outraged. He vowed to kill every male in Nabal’s household. Boldly yet humbly, Abigail went to meet David with supplies of food. In their conversation, she reminded him who he was (the Lord’s anointed and the future king of Israel). This helped him to press pause on his destructive emotions of rage long enough to rethink his decision to kill all of Nabal’s men. (Read 1 Samuel 25: 29-35) for the story.) In a similar way, I’d like you to try to have that kind of conversation with your husband. Humbly remind him who he is (a child of God, an honorable man, whatever good characteristics you know of him) and encourage him not to allow his depressed feelings to rule his heart or his decisions. Ask him to be willing to receive help to manage these depressed emotions so that he can be the person God wants him to be. He may have all kinds of objections to getting outside help. Here is where you must stay strong and firm. His depression is not only causing him distress, it’s causing you distress. He is making poor decisions and these decisions affect you and your child. Affirm that you love him and want to see him get well and your marriage to thrive. If he agrees to see a doctor, or if he has one already, insist on going with him and report to the doctor the changes in him that you observe. For example, he doesn’t’ sleep well, he’s spending recklessly, he’s angry all the time, he is impulsive, etc. If he goes alone, he may minimize his symptoms or not recognize some of the things he does that are upsetting to you. You don’t share whether or not you are employed, but at this time I would separate your finances and open a separate checking account with just your name on it exercising good stewardship over your finances. Since he has been irresponsible and deceitful with the finances, the consequences are that you are going to be in charge of family finances until he gets better. That may motivate him to get the help he needs as well as set some limits on his access to family money. Do not sign for loans or credit cards or home equity loans. This is not helpful to him or to you. This is where your enabling may need to be addressed so you don’t fall victim again. It’s important that you realize that you are not only doing this for your protection, you are doing it for his. When you know someone is not making good decisions, you don’t give them unlimited access to things that could harm them or others. For example, if you had guns in the house you would remove them or make sure they were locked up. If you had a lot of prescription pills in the house, you would lock them up. Taking charge of the finances is not just for your protection, it’s for his. The shame that he feels for lying and failing again to appropriately manage money contributes to his feelings of worthlessness and feeds the cycle of depression and may lead to hopelessness – thinking he’ll never get better. There is an excellent book I’d recommend you check out of your library called, How You can Survive When They’re Depressed:  Living and Coping with Depression Fallout by Anne Sheffield. It will help you be a good steward of your own life as well as wisely set appropriate boundaries with your spouse. Friends, have any of you experienced living with a chronically depressed person? What steps did you take to keep yourself safe, strong, and sane?